There are seven types of exes – which ones have you dated?

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Some relationships end amicably and some end with, well… we won’t go there.

But they all build character, right?

There are breakups you can laugh about, breakups that make you cringe, and breakups that still break your heart a little.

But according to author Lucy Vine, there are seven types of ex-partners – and yes, just like you, we’re curious which ones we’ve met and which ones we haven’t (yet).

Her book “Seven Exes” follows protagonist Esther on a journey to find “the one” as she revisits her past relationships in hopes of discovering that he has had her under his nose all along.

Lucy takes us through each ex, and some of them hit a little too close to the mark.

First love

Ah, an unforgettable first love.

“Everyone has one, whether it was a fiery five-year high school romance with a dull-ended crush or an intense but one-sided obsession with Chad Michael Murray,” says Lucy.

“It’s usually a nightmare of immaturity and dysfunction, but oh so exciting. In “The Seven Exes,” Esther never forgot Alistair, the boy who gave her Apple Tango on the playground and took her virginity.

“You recognize this ex by the awful combination of the shudder you feel at the mention of his name and the fact that every time you see him around town for a holiday visit, you turn back into a gibbering, clumsy teenager.

“It was your first kiss, your first masturbation, your first real surge of hormones – that’s why that first fire of love always burns terribly, unpleasantly and searingly bright.”

Error at work

You spend every working hour with them and deal with office drama, and work wins hand in hand.

Lucy says: “You gossip about your micro-managing boss and his bad breath over after-hours drinks. And then – sigh – someone jokes that you’re his “working wife” and something sinks in your stomach.

We’ve all made mistakes at work – and don’t try to tell me you accidentally emailed the entire company asking for extra paperclips.

In Seven Exes, Esther’s mistake at work is Carl, her disgustingly sexy – and sexually disgusting – boss, in the kitchen where she works as a chef.

He thinks she has seduced him, but with this power dynamic, there is no happy ending.

Friend with benefits

“We’re just buddies!” you insist non-stop until that one night when you drunkenly end up in bed together,” says Lucy.

Then you keep repeating that you are just friends and that once this mutual agreement is reached between the two of you, you will remain relaxed. Things are definitely getting awkward, right?

“One of you sensed these feelings and it ruined the benefits and the friendship,” Lucy adds.

I hope you stopped before your platonic closeness was completely destroyed – unlike Esther, whose FWB arrangement with Alex – was not only her friend, but her roommate! What was she thinking!

A missed opportunity

Or as Katy Perry put it, the one that got away.

Lucy says: “This ex may be the most irritating of all because he isn’t really him even though he feels like he is.

– This never happened between you, did it? You almost kissed that New Year’s Eve a few years ago, remember? But that didn’t happen then.

“During your group movie date, you almost held hands in the dark, but you reached for the popcorn instead.

“Maybe it was someone who came in and out of your life over the years, or maybe it was a guy you fell in love with at a party and never saw him again.

– Maybe they had a partner for a while, and then maybe you. The time was never right for you, was it?

– And there’s a part of your brain that still tickles a little at the thought of them.

In the book, Esther and Paul always had the same question mark over each other, so she takes the opportunity to find out what might have happened.

The Serious One

Esther’s serious ex is named Idris. She dated him for several years, moved in with him, and stole his sweaters.

Just like Idris did for Esther, it’s likely that this serious ex will continue to make you feel warm and insecure.

“They were a safe haven for you; someone you could marry and start a family with one day,” says Lucy.

And that’s the point – it probably ended because you weren’t ready for it.

“It wasn’t the right time and – ultimately – it wasn’t the right person. But you still think fondly of them – just like Esther – and wonder if you could have made it work at a better time in your life.

Overlap

Lucy says: “No one will be proud of that ex, but cheating happens.

“Let’s hope – at least – that you cover yourself with someone who has given you clarity in your relationship; whether it meant never making that mistake again or realizing you had to break up.

“Most overlaps don’t last long, but they remain etched in that corner of the brain that throbs with grief.”

Esther is truly haunted by her overlapping Will, with whom she struck up an emotional affair via Twitter chats before taking things perhaps a little too far.

bastard

“We’ve all been there with it. Most of us have – well – many times,” says Lucy.

“The ex-bastard can take many forms, but he always destroys your self-esteem, just like the narcissist you think he is.

– If your bastard is anything like Esther, Rich, he doesn’t text back, blows hot and cold, drops love bombs, and then disappears.

– He’s also – unfortunately – stupidly sexy.

“Anyone who has ever met a bastard will recognize him by the way he looks at the door over your shoulder when you’re on a date because he’s constantly looking around for someone better.”

We suggest you avoid this at all costs.

This article was originally published on April 25, 2023.

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