What to do about feeling guilty about your kids’ screen time

What parent hasn’t been there? It’s been a long day, you still have dinner to make, maybe lunches for tomorrow, and you just don’t have the energy to involve the kids in a new art project or beg them to buy a book.

Instead, you give in when they ask for more iPad time. Or maybe they promise to do their homework after watching a few more YouTube videos and it’s easier to agree than to have another argument. Now you are not only exhausted, but you also feel like a bad parent.

If this resonates with you, you’re not alone. Concerns about how – and to what extent – ​​their children use media are a common source of parental guilt, which makes sense given screen use’s reputation as a frivolous waste of time and lacking intrinsic value. So even if people appear on their screens for a good reason – perhaps to relax or otherwise improve their mood – they are prone to feel guilty about it. And this feeling of guilt undermines any stress reduction benefits they might otherwise achieve.

But as unpleasant as these feelings of guilt are, the good news is that these feelings, if you listen to them, can help encourage healthier choices for you and your children.

Parents’ guilt about their child’s screen use

Research, including from my own media research group, has shown that the use of screen media is one of the most common tools used by people of all ages to decompress, relax and have fun.

However, parents are concerned about their children’s screen use, and with good reason. Without proper management, screen time can too easily get out of control, raising concerns about negative effects such as impaired sleep, increased risk of obesity, decreased academic performance and mental health problems.

Here’s the dilemma. Well-meaning parents set various rules to protect their children from the harm of too much screen time. However, research shows that most parents break these rules. If your child is sick, why not let him play video games for a few hours? Maybe you sit your child in front of the TV to keep them occupied while you sort laundry or hop on the phone at work.

So what happens when you break your own rules – especially if they are designed to protect your children? You’re primed to feel guilty, and because guilt is its own form of stress, this dynamic creates tension that can be unhealthy for both parents and children.

The downside of parental screen guilt

The COVID-19 pandemic, with increased use of all types of media among all demographic groups in the U.S. and around the world, provided my research team with a unique opportunity to explore parents’ guilt about their children’s screen use.

Our study examined how the sudden and significant increase in screen use at the beginning of the pandemic affected how parents felt about their relationships with their children. We surveyed parents in March 2020 and another group of parents in April and May 2020. We asked about the amount of time their child spent on screens, their feelings of guilt about their child’s screen use, the stress they felt about it, and the level of satisfaction concerned their relationship with the child.

We found that 73% of parents experienced at least some guilt and 48% felt moderate or intense guilt about their child’s screen use. So parental guilt was quite common.

We also found that parents who felt more guilt about their child’s screen use also felt more stress about screen use, and greater stress was associated with lower relationship satisfaction with their child. Importantly, initial parental screen guilt in April predicted greater screen stress in May, but initial screen guilt in April did not predict screen guilt in May. What does this mean? Screen guilt actually increased stress, not the other way around.

What about the amount of time children spend in front of screens? Did parents feel guilty and stressed because of this? It turns out: not necessarily. In our research, we found no association between how long children spent on screens and parental guilt, screen stress, or relationship satisfaction. In other words, this feeling of guilt about children’s screen use, regardless of the frequency of use itself, was problematic for parents and, by extension, their children.

Turning wine lemons into lemonade

So what can a parent do? Instead of berating ourselves for perceived mistakes or misjudgments regarding media choices, it would be much more productive to find value and deeper lessons in on-screen guilt.

People feel guilty when they perceive that their actions contradict their internalized belief systems or standards of behavior. And while it may be uncomfortable to feel guilty, feeling guilty can help you repair any damage you feel you may have caused, especially in relationships.

In other words, the guilt screen can be useful information that makes you reflect and adjust your rules or choices. Was there a good reason to relax the usual restrictions on screen use, for example when trying to comfort a child when he or she is sick? On the other hand, is your child suffering negative consequences, such as not completing homework or exercising, because of their indulgence in screens? Or maybe you just feel like a bad parent because you’ve internalized the belief that good parents don’t let their kids use screens?

This reflection can be an opportunity to think not only about how your family uses screens, but, importantly, what handrails are worth using or adapting to ensure your family’s well-being.

While you may not hear this sentiment often, not all on-screen media use is bad. There is evidence that screen and content use can contribute to a range of wonderful outcomes, including learning, social connection, inspiration, as well as relaxation and stress relief.

While guilt may not feel good, if you take a moment to understand why you feel it, it can help you create not only a more balanced diet of media and real-world experiences for you and your family, but also a more satisfying relationship with your loved ones. children.

This article is republished from The Conversation under a Creative Commons license. Read the original article.